ON LOSING YOUR LAST SURVIVING PARENT
Dear lovely readers.
I hope you are well.
Before I go any further, I want to give out a bit of a trigger warning. In this issue, I talk about losing my mother, my last surviving parent, so if there is anybody reading this that is recently bereaved or struggling with grief currently, it might be worth giving this one a miss.
But the reason why I’m writing about this, is (as ever) to give my honest experience of facing something that we will all face at this stage in our lives (if we haven’t already). And if what I write can help just one person in whatever form that takes, then it’s all worthwhile.
So, yes, I lost my mother last month.
It was sudden, but at the age of 94, not entirely unexpected. She was well, being cared for exceptionally well in a local care home and in the 18 months she was in the home, she thrived.
You see, my dad died in April 2024 which meant my mum had to go into a care home immediately. Being a war child who was evacuated from Manchester to Blackpool, and who possibly learned to coped with traumatic upheavals, she promptly moved into the home with very little fuss.
But, she found her feet, enjoyed the company and, because she was expected to be as mobile as possible, despite her conditions, she absolutely thrived. But, as you would expect, she missed my dad dreadfully. They had been married for 67 years and spent very little time apart.
My dad had struggled with cancer for 4 years and passed away in April 2024.
My mum’s passing was much quicker. She fell ill on the Thursday night of 17th July only to be deceased by 11.30pm the following night.
I won’t go into details - she had a number of conditions that meant treating her was difficult and it would have only been palliative care at best. But she didn’t give them that opportunity.
So, now, I’m an orphan and an only child to boot.
And apart from all the organising and informing I’ve had to do, not least organise her very lovely and respectful funeral in mid August, I do feel a bit bereft. For those of who have experienced something like this, it’s a bit weird isn’t it?
Because she was in a care home directly after my dad died, I used to take her out for the day from the home and, being my mum, this usually entailed a bit of a shopping trip (usually Marks & Spencer) complete with lunch out and then returned her home in time for her tea at the care home.
And, I loved these trips out with her. In fact, I must have done them for so long, that even now, each Wednesday I get a little thought in my brain about where I can take her for the day.
I miss those times :(
So, now, over a month later since she passed, I am travelling along my own grief pathway. I have had days when all I wanted to do was to lie all day on the sofa. And I’ve let myself do that. Everything you refer to about how best to travel the grief journey, says to allow feelings to come and to live within them. Apparently, according to the experts, trying to resist grief and all it’s various manifestations, is the worst thing you can do.
So, I’ve done that but also tried to remember the positives about life with my parents. I have to admit, it seems far easier to remember the things that weren’t so good, and I’ve had to dig a bit deeper to find the positives - the things I remember enjoying - but they have been there.
And that’s really helped. I’ve been very mindful to ensure I don’t dismiss any feeling or the odd sadness that comes up and to “feel” them as I get chance but I’ve balanced that with thinking about the good stuff in my quiet moments.
And, I think, that has helped me to continue along my path.
I’m well aware it’s early days and I know from those who have travelled this path before me that “grief attacks” can come at you from nowhere, when you’re least expecting it. And, I’m prepared for that.
Another tip from those who have also experienced loss. As much as you can, get some pleasurable events in your diary. And I did, without much effort, to be honest. As it was mid summer, social invitations came my way and, heeding the advice I received, I accepted them. And yes, I would say they helped.
If you’re experiencing loss and bereavement, then firstly, my thoughts are with you. As I’ve referenced earlier, this path is one you can’t second guess, so I send you my very best wishes and hope that you find pockets of peace and joy.
And, if you find that you need some extra help, please speak to a medical professional and visit one of the following online support platforms that are within the top 3 of bereavement support platforms in the UK. I’ve linked their websites - just click on the text.
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So that’s a wrap from me. I hope the content I’ve shared resonates and helps. Please let me know if it has by replying to this email. It’s totally private and comes directly to me, so no worries about others seeing your private thoughts :)
Till next time
Una x