BECAUSE SELF CARE WAS NEVER MORE NEEDED...
AT THIS TIME OF YEAR
Hello There, gorgeous readers
I hope this issue finds you well and managing to cope with the ever increasing things on our To-Do list, which will only get longer and fatter as we get nearer to Christmas (sorry!)
That’s why in this issue, it’s going to be all about jealously guarding those very rare “pockets of peace” where we have a space of time (however small) that means we can allocate some time to ourselves.
And, dear readers, this is NOT SELFISH! This is a necessary act for us to get to Xmas and beyond in one piece. Because we all know that if we - often the linchpin of the family - goes down - the whole family goes down.
So, as I’ve been doing on all my social media posts recently, I’m begging all of my lovely 45 Not Out community to snatch those times that present themselves with both hands and do something purely for themselves.
Those things can take many forms:
A walk in nature when the weather allows
A quick cup of tea or coffee with a favourite book or magazine
A bath during the day (sooo decadent!)
A sneaky catch up with a friend
Basically, it doesn’t have to be much or cost much at all - just something where you can dump your load for 30 mins or so (preferably longer) and just be at one with yourself.
Interestingly, Sarah Knight, a fellow Substacker who produced the wonderful Ministry of Midlife - a beautifully produced newsletter that synchs very nicely with 45 Not Out, covered this recently in one of her newsletters.
And it resonated so very highly with me, I’ve asked for her to permission to cascade her wise words to you all. Here’s what she had to say:
I've had so many conversation recently about how people are feeling frazzled; properly and utterly frazzled.
You may recognise the feeling - wired but tired, running but getting nowhere, doing All The Things but feeling like you're achieving sod all? That's not just you being a bit knackered, Doris. That's your brain sending up proper warning flares. And then you whisper to yourself "it's okay, it's nearly Christmas and pile some added pressure on for the perfect Christmas too.
The science bit tells us that burnout has been part of our world for a while. I like to delve into a bit of background, cause and psychology and that tells us that back in that there 70s, Freudenberger spotted something interesting: passionate, high-achieving people were hitting a wall that wasn't just regular tiredness.
The science shows us three distinct signs:
Proper exhaustion (not that need-another-coffee tired, but totally and utterly drained)
Cynicism (when you start thinking "what's the bloody point?" Hard relate anyone?)
Feeling like you're rubbish at everything (despite evidence to the contrary)
And then I realised how often I see these warning lights flickering amongst us always on midlife women - the Fixers. It hits us fixers the hardest.
No Control (everyone else's emergency is your emergency)
Values Clash (you feel at odds with everything you are doing and then you do some more)
Not Enough Reward (all give, no get, not feeding our reward centres in our brain)
Too Much Stuff (your to-do list has to-do lists, and for those of you that know me, you will also know that writing to do lists is also not giving your brain a chance to thrive)
Unfairness (watching others coast while you carry the load, maybe a little bit of resentment creeping in)
Support (trying to be everyone else's lifeboat while silently drowning)
Fixing It (and moving to a desert island will simply mean someone sends in a drone to find you and ask what's for tea)...Fixing it isn't as simple as a mindset hack from TikTok and there are frankly no quick wins. Fixing it is about acknowledging it and rethinking so that you do differently, to act differently to get differently.
Pick Your Energy Choose stuff that lights you up, not just drains you. Your brain actually uses less energy when you're doing things aligned with your natural preferences. Work within your strengths - not looking at fixing perceived weaknesses.
Stop Running at 100mph Your brain's energy system isn't designed for constant sprinting. Track your energy (1-10) daily. Consistently hitting 8+ is like the equivalent of using dry shampoo for a week straight - there comes a point where even that can't save you.
Sprint the Hills 90-minute focused work blocks with proper breaks. Your brain's natural ultradian rhythm means you can't actually focus for longer anyway. And if 90 minutes feels too long because you're constantly distracted (also another sign) then do 15 minutes and then acnowledge what you have achieved afterwards (reflections on jobs done feed the reward centre)
Sort the Triggers Deal with each burnout trigger systematically. Like fixing a leak - no point mopping if you haven't turned off the tap. Unpick it. Break it down.
Build Your Recovery System Your brain needs proper quality recovery time - not just Netflix and wine. A walk outside, a chat with your inner circle, asking for help, exercise, actual rest - whatever works for YOUR system.
Here's the reality: Work never ends. It's always going to be there. The better you are, the more comes your way. The more people will ask of you because you're the one that delivers, the more pressure you put on yourself because you're the one that delivers (see also people pleasing and perfectionism). It's not about stopping the flood - it's about building better flood defences. It's about working with your brain.
As you can tell, Sarah is obviously more conversant with the scientific and neurological aspects of our stressy lives that I am, but aren’t her words just so uplifting? A major thanks to Sarah for allowing me to reproduce this and if you fancy going over and signing up for her newsletter, then just click on the link here .
Meanwhile, that’ll be me for another fortnight. When the next 45 Not Out missive drops into your inbox it will be mid December. How on earth did that happen?
So, I’ll see y’all then.
Stay safe,well and warm
Una x
