FAKE FRIENDS
Because they exist at every stage in life
My dear readers
I hope this newsletter finds you warm & well. We’re deep into the start of Autumn now, aren’t we, and so far it hasn’t been too bad. But that’s the turn of the year lulling us into a false sense of security. And I know there will be some grey and miserable days ahead.
But, isn’t that the yin and yang of life - good & bad; ups and downs - even the rough with the smooth?
Okay, apologies for the cheesy, almost teeth on edge philosophy. But you know what I mean :(.
In this issue, I want to talk about something that I’ve experienced a few times in life. Some instances more distressing than others but it has been quite a few a times.
And that subject is Fake Friends.
Over the years, I’ve lost count of the times I’ve been deeply hurt by the actions of a so-called “friend”. You know, those who go out of their way to let you know how much they value your friendship with them only to let them get so close to you that they have the right amount of trust and knowledge to use it to stab you very royally in the back.
Both professionally and personally.
When I was younger and far more naive, it happened quite frequently. And it hurt like hell. And being the trusting sop I was, it happened time and again. It was many years before I started to learn and observe the warning signs. Someone being super, super nice and being a little too gushing in their kind words etc. Over time, I realised what was going on, and I developed a way to distance myself so that they got the message that I wasn’t the pushover they thought I was.
But, even though we’re older and hopefully wiser women now, there are still those people around who are so insecure in themselves, that operating in this way is the status quo for them. They haven’t developed the emotional maturity to see that the friendships they develop aren’t “real” friendships and are only based on using that friendship for gain and validation. Surely a sad way to live.
So, reinforcing the theme of this edition of the newsletter, if you are suffering from a less than perfect friendship (or relationship, come to that), I think the first thing is to recognise that this person isn’t quite a genuine as they may seem.
As I said previously, I’m quite naive, and despite my age, and even now in my later years, I still am. So, how do we learn to spot these people who enjoy being so destructive, and how do we end the friendship?
Well, here is a combination of what experts suggest, coupled with my experience.
The first is to trust your gut:
If you sense that someone’s motives aren’t healthy (competition, gossip, manipulation), don’t ignore that feeling. And, don’t do what I did. During these toxic friendships, I frequently received gut feelings that things weren’t right, but I explained it away by reasoning that it was me being “picky”. TRUST YOURSELF!!
You don’t need a “big reason” to create distance — it’s enough that the friendship doesn’t feel good to you. And you don’t have to explain why you can’t make that coffee date or after work drink. Just think about you.
The second is to distance yourself, gradually:
Stop initiating contact. Leave it to them to make contact.
Be slower to respond to messages. Ha! Although with me, this isn’t anything out of the ordinary. Anybody who’s in contact with me digitally knows how terrible I am at getting back to people :(
Politely decline invitations more often. Again, you don’t have to explain yourself too much.
Let the friendship naturally fade rather than ending with a confrontation (unless necessary).
It might need a direct approach:
If the “fake friend” keeps pushing to stay close, you may need to be more clear:
Keep it simple and kind: “I don’t think this friendship is working for me right now. I need some space.”
Avoid long justifications — the more you explain, the more they may argue.
And if the toxic relationship is based at work, protect your reputation:
Don’t give them ammunition: avoid venting about them to mutual friends in a way that could be twisted. It would be wise not to trust anyone in the work scenario.
If they spread negativity about you, your best defense is consistency — act calm, kind, and steady. Over time, others will see who’s genuine.
I hope these help in keeping your friendship groups full of authentic, supportive friends and avoiding leaving yourself open to being badly treated and used.
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So, that’ll be a wrap from me for another week. I hope this issue brought something to your life.
Please feel free to make any comments or two reply to this newsletter. Just hit reply and it will find me.
Meanwhile, have a good week and I’ll see you on the other side
Take care
Una x